Omg you’re back! So much has happened since the first Town Cryer issue. Punxsutawney Phil took home a Super Bowl trophy, Patrick Mahomes saw his shadow, and I was diagnosed with a rare disease where I can no longer tell rodents apart from adult men.
R.I.P. the New You
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of all your new year's resolutions hitting the floor and being left for DEAD. You’ve murdered the New You that the Old You promised the New You that Present You would build, and now you have your own hypothetical blood on your hands.
The “new you” is the one supposedly buried within. The David trapped in the block of marble, the home before the “move that bus” moment, the ugly model (read: brunette) who doesn’t know she’s beautiful right before she takes off her glasses. If only you could stick to your resolutions– drink more water, eat more greens, feast on the souls of more young virgins– only then could the “new you” reveal itself.
But you didn’t drink more water. You drank $10 matcha lattes and had emotional support diet cokes. And you tried to eat more greens, but you ran out of time to meal prep and then you tripped and fell headfirst into a chipotle bowl. And you looked into this whole “feasting on the souls of young virgins” fad and discovered that virginity is a social construct built to repress women.
Turns out you’re just a stupid block of marble. Your third grade teacher was right: you’ll never amount to anything. Or maybe she said you’re not great at drawing horses, I can’t remember.
But why are we trying to be the David by February? It took Michelangelo 3 years to create the real David. I’m sure there were setbacks and failures and false starts and matcha lattes and chipotle bowls. We should be only 5% into our Davids by now. That’s just a few cracks, most people probably couldn’t even see the progress. Maybe YOU can’t even notice the difference.
Quick, perform CPR on the new you that you left for dead. There’s signs of life! Or maybe you’re just a beautiful, expensive paperweight. In which case: never change.
When You Wish Upon a Pug
As a generally unlucky (but devastatingly gorgeous) person, I’m always looking for a little more luck. Shooting stars and 11:11 are great wishing opportunities, but I have compiled a list of seemingly normal things that feel lucky to me! So please join me in making wishes during the following scenarios:
Having a hot neighbor
When you and your new friend both hate the same person
When you see a man reading a book
Happy hour deals after 5:00 pm
Speaking to your hot neighbor. You both like sausage pizza and think pickleball is overrated. Wait– he has a hot boyfriend. Life is pointless. Luck is a lie.
When you need a tampon and your friend uses your preferred make and model
Having a hot gay neighbor
When you see a pug
The Home Item you Absolutely NEED
Are you a beautiful woman who sometimes gets the blues, suffers from delulus, or cries when rent’s due-due? Lady Scientists have been hard at work to find a cure and the research is finally in: One Fancy Candle! One Fancy Candle is guaranteed to change your life.
I know we said the same thing about crystals, plants, and Big Giant Water Bottles™– but this time it’s real!
For those moments when you think, ‘Should I light everything in my closet on fire and start fresh?’ No! Buy One Fancy Candle instead! Or ‘Should I quit my job, start a farm, and become one with the land?’ You just need One Fancy Candle, Silly! Or ‘How seriously should I be taking my reproductive health and should I freeze my–’ ONE. FANCY. CANDLE.
Yes, it’s expensive. But it's an investment! It’s self care! Blake Lively owns many One Fancy Candles. Don’t you want to be like Blake Lively? You absolutely need one on your coffee table or else you could DIE. It’s true, because Lady Scientists said so!
Side effects include: house fires, credit card debt, and the silent approval of your snootiest aunts.
Poetry Corner: Sunflower
To watch someone fall in love is to watch them become whole.
Not because they were not whole before,
But through loving and being loved they have grown.
Stretched like a sunflower to the sun.
Do you Like Me-Like Me?
Not to be that needy-friend-with-an-internet-presence, but if you liked this issue of Town Cryer then will you pwetty pwetty pwease subscwibe to my wittle newsletter? And if you already subscribe, then sharing with a friend/lover/hot gay neighbor is a great way to support the cause.
Anxiously waiting for the next👽