Introducing Town Cryer
Elyse's first newsletter...
Hello! My name is Elyse. This is my newsletter: Town Cryer. It’s my creative outlet. It’s silly, it’s beautiful, and it’s trying too hard— just like me! Town Cryer will be released monthly. Subscribe, if you even care.
Why a Newsletter?
I’ve lived in LA long enough to know that people desperately need more content! More things to consume! More emails! You’re welcome! Of course I’d prefer to shout my musings from the street for all to hear town crier style (town cryer was my nickname in high school), but all the good street corners in LA were already taken by taco trucks and influencers.
Like a fun-size candy bar with a mushroom microdose, this newsletter will be a short but sweet trip.
This newsletter will not be a thing to dread, like when your boring coworker Deb tells you about a dream she had where she was at the beach but it was also a Sunglasses Hut and your eyes glaze over and you pray for sweet, sweet death like a racehorse with a broken leg.
This newsletter will be fun, like when your hot coworker Brian tells you about a dream he had where he was at the beach but it was also a Warby Parker and you immediately wonder what he looks like when he sleeps and don’t forget to look interested but use your hot, lips-are-pursed-eyes-are-big-active-listening face not your less hot, brows-are-furrowed-saturday-crosswords-are-hard interested face. Shit! What did Brian just say? Just laugh. (Use your hot laugh).
New Year, Same You!
Another year in the books! It’s true what they say, time flies when you’re doomscrolling on instagram.
But 2024 is still so new! Like a fresh born baby, she still has the potential to be beautiful. I’m starting off my year by committing to a classic resolution, with a twist. We’ve all heard of Dry January— a disease caught by boring people with a superiority complex (also see: morning people, audiobook listeners, and diva cup users). But let me give the non-borings another option: You are cordially invited to participate in Wet January™.
Wet January is about participation. Have fun! Go out! Have a few drinks! Boogie with your friends! Eat pasta! Socialize! Flirt with a bartender! Regret it!
Wet January is a mindset. You can do it dry. Heck, your Wet January can be filled with mocktails and red bulls for all I care! Sparkling water and matcha! The blood of young virgins and motor oil! (Young virgin was my nickname in high school).
I challenge you to focus on self-indulgence in 2024. What could go wrong?
A Thought Experiment:
You and a friend with an amazing head of hair buy scratch offs. Because even though you are both young and hot and have #grindmindsets, you would take a get-rich-quick shortcut if one was available to you. May we all be so #blessed to raise nepo babies of our own someday! You win $0. Technically, you are now in the hole $8 because you purchased this stupid lotto game. You are still hot, but you are now poorer. The cashier at 7/11 pities you. Your friend wins $60, making them still hot, but also now $60 richer. Are they the lucky one for winning $60 and having a hairline blessed by God sans biotin? Or are you the lucky one that helped your friend win $60?
Sophisticated Words for Big Brains.
Couth (adj.): cultured, refined, and well mannered.
When Elyse entertains, she always puts her retainer away, instead of leaving it on the bathroom counter. It’s the couth thing for a hostess to do.
Poetry Corner: Not a Temple
My body is not a temple. People don’t go there to worship, It’s not a place to make offerings or great sacrifices.
My body’s nothing to write home about, Or rank on a ten point scale. I’ve been told it can give life but for now I ignore that detail.
I don’t think much about my body: The way it moves, it runs, The way it feels in the sun, The goosebumps I sometimes get, or the way my chest heaves when I breathe.
No, my body is not a temple, But it’s unique, it’s free, Sometimes uncontrollable, but always me.
Fin!
That’s French for “you read a whole newsletter.” Thanks for reading! It means the world. Stay tuned because just like the full moon, periods, and my chic greek unibrow (chic greek was my nickname in high school), I’ll be back next month.
My favorite cryer!!!