Cry Baby Autumn

Two paths diverged in a yellow wood and I cried because I'm indecisive.

Brat Summer is over, Cry Baby Autumn is in full swing! Like the drag queen that does my taxes, my summer was both fabulous and productive. But also like the drag queen that does my taxes, sometimes you need to kick off your heels, put on your out of office message, and rest. Never forget: you put the “personality” in personality hire!

Thank You, Milk Duds!

With the holidays upon us, we all have a lot to look forward to: hot cocoa, twinkling lights, long sit-down dinners with politically opposite family members. No, this isn’t the seventh circle of hell. It’s Thanksgiving, bitch! 

Are you looking for a fool-proof way to avoid arguing with your loved ones this season? Do you find it difficult to protect your peace at holiday family functions? Allow me to reintroduce to you: Milk Duds! 

You know Milk Duds? The dustiest, most sun-bleached box in the movie theater display case. A dentist’s worst nightmare. A candy so ludicrously chewy that even Willy Wonka said, “Stop, you’re sick, you’ve gone too far!” 

Previously, Milk Duds have been known to haunt the bottom of a halloween candy bowl. They are the pennies of halloween candy, the untouched vegan option at the BBQ, picked last for the candy kickball team. But now, like a retiree who picked up a pottery class, they have purpose! 

This season, Milk Duds are here to help you hold your tongue– literally! My best trick to avoid being the “loud” and “opinionated” daughter at family functions? Emptying a box of Milk Duds directly into my mouth. Why burn it all down when you could build jaw strength? Milk Duds cured my TMJ, cleared my skin, and did my taxes. Sorry to my accountant, Miss Cher Holder!

In fact, they aren’t just for personal use– get the whole family involved! Forgo a traditional pumpkin pie for a snack bowl of Milk Duds. The resounding chorus of chews and garbled words will drown out any potential arguments. I recommend serving Milk Duds in lieu of turkey for a stress-free event. But don’t just take my word for it, even my weirdest cousin said, “thwut eef knoiss!” See? It’s working already! 

Bird Vacation

I am in desperate need of a bird vacation. No, not a vacation from birds. But a vacation like birds. I want to fly south for the winter. I want to abandon my post and fly away. Presumably to Mexico, if logic serves. I want to be with all the birds who winter in Mexico City, checking out the cool spots that have been popping off on TikTok and going to the hotel from The Queen’s Gambit. 

I want to gather up my flock and go on vacay! I want to preen on the beach. I want men to flash vibrant feathers and show off to win my attention. I want to nest and feel comfy cozy in my gorgeous Mexican vacation condo. I hear Cancun is lovely this time of year! I want to act like a bird and use all my PTO in Q1, even if Miss Cher Holder says it’s not “fiscally sound.”

I want my return home to be lauded, my songs to be a sign of Spring. I want people to see me and think I’m their grandparent. Or at least a sign that a grandparent loves them from somewhere far away. But more than all that, I want to go to Tulum and order a daiquiri at a swim-up bar. Forget human vacation, I want migration. I want to be a bird!

Sophisticated Words for Big Brains 

Quasi (adj): being partly or almost.

Elyse only quasi-listens when the waiter describes the dinner specials. She knows that market price is out of her price range. More free bread, please!

With Gratitude

In this season of reflecting and giving back, take some time to be grateful for all the friends and family who could potentially subscribe to Town Cryer. Give the greatest gift of all and share it with them! TTYLCB– Talk to you later, Cry Babies!